Every epoch in history has a superhero of it's own; someone to brag about, someone to revere and that someone whose achievements every little kid wants to emulate... No, i am not talking about the Gandhis and Boses or even the likes of Hitlers and Osama bin Ladens... I am talking about the more brawny men with the chutzpah to match... Over the years, i've dreamt of being Superman, Spiderman, Hulk, one among the GI Joe unit, Robot cop, and even Giant Robot for crying out loud. I didn't ever want to be Heman, coz he is indubitably gay and never ever would i want to be Shaktiman, coz he is just so super-duper lame and has the worst alias ever...
That was a little digression. Anywho, getting back to the point, all those super heroes and their antics are now passe. I've come of age, and want someone else to be my idol. I was looking for someone who doesn't need to save face, someone whose dressing sense is more contemporary and not tarzan-esque, and someone whose idiosyncrasies are unmatched. I only had to close my eyes for the briefest of the microseconds and pretend to think for only a quarter of that time, and i felt enlightened. A haloed image of my superhero-to-be appeared and saved my day and ofcourse this age. The good person that i am, i shall let you in, on this secret. Let me introduce him to you; but only after a few of his exploits...
- The only time he cried was when he was born. His tears cured cancer. Too bad, he didn't cry again.
- As a kid, his best friend was his pet unicorn (the last one ever). The unicorn caught mad-unicorn-disease, so he killed the last unicorn with his bare hands.
- As a 14 year old, he entered a steak eating competetion. He ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour, of which he spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. Needless to say he won but he was arrested for being "underage".
- To get out, he broke the prison bars with his shirt that he peed on.
- He was a Mc Donald's all-American high school basketball player. He could roundhouse fling the ball into the basket from 75 feet every single possession.
- In college, he turned out to be a math genius. He counted to infinity. TWICE.
- When in college, he also perfected the art of urinating into the toilet without getting out of bed.
- He won the all university Connect Four championship game in 3 moves.
- He practices a new form of yoga which allows him to ingest without swallowing.
- He has a body deformity. He has no chin behind his beard, he hides his third fist there for a surprise attack.
- His blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It has a catalytic effect on fuel used in heavy construction equipment, tanks, fighter jets and space-crafts.
- He now runs a successful business. His chief export is pain.